Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?

Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough money?

Why does someone 
believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet? 
 
Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

And my FAVORITE.....
The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons are suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.






(courtesy Dedra B.)


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////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

My tire was thumping. 
I thought it was flat 

When I looked at the tire... 

I noticed your cat. 

Sorry!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  

 

Heard your wife left you, 
How upset you must be. 

But don't fret about it... 

She moved in with me.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  

 

Looking back over the years 

that we've been together, 

I can't help but wonder... 

' What the Hell was I thinking?' 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  

 

Congratulations on your wedding day! 

Too bad no one likes your husband. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

 

How could two people as beautiful as you 

Have such an ugly baby? 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  

 

 

I've always wanted to have 
someone to hold, 

someone to love. 

After having met you .. 

I've changed my mind. 

-------------------------------------- ----------------------------------------------------------  

 

 

I must admit, you brought Religion into my life. 

I never believed in Hell until I met you.

 

//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

 

 

As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am.... 

That you're not here to ruin it for me.

 

####################################################

 

 

Congratulations on your promotion. 
Before you go... 

Would you like to take this knife out of my back? 

You'll probably need it again. 

********************************************************************************

 

 

Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad! 

(Available only in Tennessee, Arkansas, Kentucky & West Virginia ,Mississippi, Florida)) 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  

 

 

Happy birthday! You look great for your age. 

Almost Lifelike! 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

 

When we were together, 
you always said you'd die for me. 

Now that we've broken up, 

I think it's time you kept your promise.

//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

 

 

We have been friends for a very long time .. 

let's say we stop? 

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++  

 

 

 I'm so miserable without you 

it's almost like you're here.

 

   ==================================== =================

 

 

Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. 

Did you ever find out who the father was? 

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

 

Your friends and I wanted to do 

something special for your birthday. 

So we're having you put to sleep. 

))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

 

So your daughter's a hooker, and it spoiled your day. 

Look at the bright side, 

it's really good pay

(courtesy Dedra B.)



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GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:

1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.

2) When your Mum is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.

3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.

4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.

5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.

6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.

7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.

8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.

9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.

10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.

GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:

1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.

2) Wrinkles don't hurt.

3) Families are like fudge..mostly sweet, with a few nuts.

4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.

5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.

6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fibre, not the toy.

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD

1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.

2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.

3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.

4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.

5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.

6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.

7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

SUCCESS:

At age 4 success is .. not piddling in your pants.

At age 12 success is ...having friends.

At age 17 success is ...having a drivers license.

At age 35 success is ...having money.

At age 50 success is ...having money.

At age 70 success is ...having a drivers license.

At age 75 success is ...having friends.

At age 80 success is ...not piddling in your pants.

Have a wonderful day with many *smiles*

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On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is
involved in a fatal car accident.

The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates
waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While
waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married
in Heaven?

When St. Peter showed up, they asked him.

St. Peter said, 'I don't know. This is the first time anyone
has asked. Let me go find out,' and he leaves.

The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and
the couple is still waiting. As they waited, they discussed
that if they were allowed to get married in Heaven, what was
the eternal aspect of it all. 'What if it doesn't work?' they
wondered, 'Are we stuck together forever?'

After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking
somewhat bedraggled.

'Yes,' he informs the couple, 'you can get married in Heaven.'

'Great!' said the couple, 'But we were just wondering, what if
things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?'

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the
ground.

'What's wrong?' asked the frightened couple.

'OH, COME ON!', St. Peter shouted, 'It took me three months to
find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll
take me to find a Lawyer?!'

(courtesy of Ginger C.)


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Only in NORTH America .... Do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front... 0D Only in North America .....do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke. <> Only in North America ......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.. Only in North America .....do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage . Only in NORTH America ...... Do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.. Only in North America ......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering. EVER WONDER ... Why the sun lightens our hair, But darkens our skin? Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed? Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word? Why is it that doctors call what they do 'practice'? Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons? Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker? Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour? Why isn't there20mouse-flavored cat food? Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes? Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections? You know that indestructible black box that is used on air planes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?! Why don't sheep shrink when it rains? Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together? If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress? If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal? Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the stupidity and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe even a chuckle)...in other words, send it to everyone... We all need to smile every once in a while.

 

MAKE EVERYDAY BRIGHTER

THAN THE LAST !

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